i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
