No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
