stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
