where am i from again
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
