he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
