The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
