In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize