Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
