I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
