If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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