Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
