His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize