This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
