I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
