i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize