someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize