when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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