The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize