currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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