Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
