Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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