I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
