dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It was a blind-side dick pic.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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