things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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