you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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