you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
