She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
