Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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