I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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