I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize