if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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