Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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