Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Randomize
