He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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