Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
