my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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