Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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