Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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