i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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