tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I have fence marks all over my body
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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