My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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