you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
