well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
