does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
