Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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