i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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