cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
