wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
