I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
should my penis look like a turkey
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
