saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize