I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
