considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
