i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
