it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
