I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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