I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
