I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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