I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
