A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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