Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
