Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
FUCK WHALES
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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