all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
