My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
